


Get Back Here!

by klepto_maniac0



Series: Heroes All [2]
Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Gen, Side Effects, kronk sneak, streaking (sort of), weird medicine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2019-01-08 16:12:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12257757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klepto_maniac0/pseuds/klepto_maniac0
Summary: A standard recovery after a mission goes wrong after a medical trainee gives Quistis and Squall a bad combination of medicines. It's up to the rest of the gang to find them before they do irreparable harm... To their reputations.





	Get Back Here!

“I thought Dr. Kadowaki said they were going to be slow and uncoordinated!” Irvine shouted to Zell, keeping one hand on his hat so he wouldn’t lose it in the dense growth of the Training Center. Zell ducked a branch and yelled back over his shoulder.

“Well that was when we thought they only had the SleepHard! SleepHard PLUS MyoCalm apparently turns them into freaking maniacs, and that trainee gave them full doses of both! And where’s Selphie?”

“I’m back heeere!” Floated a little voice, somewhat less sweet and dulcet for the grunt that immediately followed it. Zell and Irvine immediately turned around and ran back to assist their teammate, only to find her already assisted with getting her large, unwieldy temporary weapon out of a bush. Between her, Rinoa, and Angelo yanking on the modified bazooka, they managed to tear the woven strap free of the vegetation and allow Selphie to sling it properly on her back.

“I told you to keep it holstered until you were ready,” said Irvine, shaking his head. “If you run with it in the ready position—“

“Oh stuff it, Irvy! You know we’re only going to get one shot at them!”

“I really hope they’re together,” fretted Rinoa, her hands twisting together as Angelo whined anxiously up at her. “Selphie only has one net.”

“We should be more worried about the net holding them,” said Zell, putting his hand on his hip and eyeing Selphie’s modded weapon with misgiving. “Thank the gods they’re not armed, but Dr.K said both Quistis AND Squall were really paranoid before they ran. If we don’t catch them soon, someone might get hurt.”

“They might get hurt!” Rinoa said passionately, startling everyone. “You said it yourself, they’re not armed! And they’re running through the Training Center! _You_ might be fine in that situation but—“

“Blonde!” Selphie suddenly shrieked, making everyone duck as she leveled and fired her netzooka. There was a loud POONT of pressurized air as the weighted net left the barrel, followed by a crashing of leaves and sticks and then a roar of pain. Masculine pain. As the group straightened to see what had happened, Fujin came out of the underbrush.

“IMPRESSIVE,” she said to Selphie, who made a noise of disappointment.

“Aww, I got the wrong blonde, didn’t I?”

“What the fuck gave it away?!” Bellowed Seifer from somewhere beyond the dense bushes around their group.

“He sounds mad,” Irvine quipped, making Rinoa giggle a little nervously.

“Well of course he’s mad!” Boomed Raijin from approximately the same area. “One of the weights on the net got him right in the—“

“Get me out of this goddamn thing!”

“Okay, okay, I hear ya! Jeez, my ears are right here…”

The group tramped through the bushes and found Seifer trapped like a bug in a spider’s web, Raijin trying unsuccessfully to untangle the weights of the fired net from around him. Selphie’s version had the ends of the net made of tough elastic so they bound very tight indeed and Seifer’s flushed face could have either been from rage or partial choking.

“So you didn’t find Squall or Quisty either, didja?” Irvine asked as Fujin joined the untangling efforts.

“Do you see them with us?!”

“Calm down, man, just ‘cuz you got a ball to the balls—”

“Here, let me,” said Selphie, coming forward as Seifer exploded into incoherent rage-cursing. It was not the worst they’d ever heard from him, but certainly quite colorful. Zell even turned red. “I made a lock for easy release aaand—there you go!” She leaned back as Seifer immediately flailed his way out of the sudden slack ropes, nearly hitting her in the arm with one of the weights. “You’re welcome!”

“For what, ‘wrong blonde’?” He groused, wincing as he freed himself and stepped out of the puddle of loose ropes around his feet. Immediately he bent over, red-faced and hands on his knees. “FUCK.”

“Someone heal him or he’s just gonna bitch the whole time,” grumbled Zell.

“Hey you wanna see how this feels—“

“I’m a martial artist! You think getting hit in the nuts is new to me? The face is way worse.”

“AFFIRMATIVE,” said Fujin, which made everyone look at her eyepatch just a tad uneasily. In any case, Rinoa threw a bit of healing magic in Seifer’s general direction and nobody said a word when the healing sparks settled over the area of worst injury, which was definitely his crotch.

“Alright, where are they definitely not hiding?” Seifer asked as Selphie busily reconstructed her net and began twirling it up to stuff back into the bazooka.

“Not by the entrance or the lake,” said Zell, shaking his head.

“I’ve had Angelo sniffing for Squall’s scent, but it’s the first time she’s ever tracked anyone so I’m not sure she’s actually going for him or just sniffing things at random,” said Rinoa, flushing awkwardly.

“What’s she been sniffing?” Seifer asked, looking at her immediately.

“Squall’s jacket,” said Rinoa, which made the posse exchange glances. “Why? What? He left it in the Infirmary when he ran away.”

“Uhh…” Raijin rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks darkening with embarrassment. “Well…”

“PANTS,” said Fujin.

“What?”

“We found… Squall’s pants…” said Raijin, sheepishly reaching behind himself and pulling out a pair of folded pants from his back; the cuffs appeared to be tucked at the back of his waist like a tail.

“And I’ve got his shirt,” said Seifer, patting one of his pockets. “So…”

“Oh my god, Squall is running around drugged and naked,” said Irvine, sounding equally horrified and delighted. “Holy shit.”

“He’s going to get poison ivy on his wang,” said Selphie knowingly.

“Nooo,” Rinoa moaned softly, her hands going to her mouth.

“Look, nobody’s found his underwear, so he’s probably not all the way naked,“ said Zell, his face nevertheless turning red. “And, uh… He’s probably wearing shoes too. So…”

“What about Quisty?” Selphie broke in. “Did anybody see her clothes?”

“We didn’t know to look, so…” Irvine’s expression became speculative.

“Oh god,” said Seifer in tones of such great disgust that everyone looked at him in surprise. “If the Trepies hear about this, we’re in deep shit. Quistis will murder anybody who puts up naked pictures of her on the Network and those little weirdos can’t help themselves.”

“Well, Quistis probably wouldn’t kill them, but Xu definitely would,” said Selphie with pursed lips, and everyone had to agree. “Speaking of which, where is Xu?”

“ANTIDOTE.”

“But they’re not poisoned.”

“And reversing the drug interactions would be really tricky,” said Zell with a little frown.

“Xu’s smart, she’ll figure it out,” said Raijin with a little shrug. “In the meantime, we got a pair of hyper streakers to find, ya know?”

“Dibs on Quistis,” said Seifer immediately, which made Irvine laugh.

“If Squall really is naked, I don’t want to touch him,” said Zell, shaking his head and holding up his hands. “No thanks. Nope.”

“That’s a Rinoa job,” said Selphie sweetly, which made Irvine laugh again and Rinoa turn faintly pink. But then smile.

“Well, if someone’s gotta do it, I guess it should be me!”

“Should we split up again?” Irvine suggested, but Seifer shook his head.

“We’re close enough to the back of the Center that if the seven of us spread out in a line, we can cover the whole territory and move back at the same time. And I don’t want to get shot again.”

“Weenie,” said Selphie, sticking out her tongue. Seifer flipped her off and kept talking.

“Whoever sees ‘em sends up a Fira and we’ll all converge on that location. Good?”

“Sounds good to me,” said Zell, rubbing the back of his neck. “The sooner this is over with, the less embarrassing for everyone.”

“I’m fine with that,” said Rinoa, and Selphie and Irvine added their assent a beat later. Fujin and Raijin said nothing, but they didn’t have to. It was rare they disagreed with anything Seifer said.

They spread out at once, alternating between short- and long-range fighters. Mindful that Squall and Quistis were excellent SeeDs, they proceeded slowly and kept eyes out for broken twigs, scrapes of blood, and fabric not just at eye level, but low and high as well. Ten minutes of careful, fraught searching later, a Fira went up from the northern end of the line and everyone ran towards it, heading for a particularly overgrown section of the Training Center that was known for its extremely tall trees.

“Squall, come down!” Raijin shouted up at his friend, who was perched precariously up at the near top of one of the trees. He was not naked, much to everyone’s relief, but definitely wearing only his boxers and shoes. “Just because I shot off a Fira doesn’t mean I was shooting at you, ya know?”

“That’s exactly what a fake Raijin would say,” Squall shouted back, pointing back accusingly.

“A fake—come on, man!” Raijin pulled Squall’s pants from the back of his own and waved them like a flag. “Look! Clothes! Don’t you want your clothes? Betcher gettin’ cold!”

Squall’s gaze became wild as everyone came into view and he climbed further up the tree, making the skinny top of it wobble. Rinoa cried out, her hands automatically shooting up like she could catch him.

“Go away!” He shouted at all of them, his voice sounding very young for some reason. “When my big sister gets here, you’re all going to be in big trouble!”

“This is stupid,” said Zell, dropping into a squat and beginning to limber up. “I’m climbing up there and getting him.”

“He’s gonna fight you the whole way,” said Seifer scornfully. “If you don’t drop him first, he’ll throw off your balance and you’ll both break your necks when you fall.”

“Hey, I’ve been climbing palm trees since I was adopted, okay? All I need’s my legs, I can hold onto him just fine.”

“FALL.”

“Well somebody’s gotta do something!”

Rinoa bit her lip. “I wonder… Okay. Well, here goes!”

“Here what—oh shit,” said Irvine, ducking as white wings glowed into existence behind Rinoa’s back, flaring to larger-than-life magnificence. With a light hop she floated up into the air, hanging there like a painting before the wings flapped once, ponderously and dramatic. And then she rose into the air, flying straight to Squall’s startled level.

“Aww, that’s so sweet!” Squealed Selphie as Rinoa held her hands out to Squall, who stared at her like a wild thing but also with great fascination.

“Well, you’ve all got this in hand,” said Seifer, looking around. “We’re going to go look for Quistis.”

“Happy hunting,” said Irvine with a smirk, which earned him a light punch in the arm from Zell.

“We’ll try chasin’ her back this way so you can use the net,” said Raijin to Selphie, who giggled gleefully and petted her temp weapon.

So the posse left, spreading out once more and paying special attention to the trees. It turned out to be a mistake, as Fujin was looking upwards when Quistis surged out of a bush, smeared all over with mud as rough camouflage and a sharpened stick in her hand. Fortunately Fujin was alert enough to dodge the stab at her intestines, though she did end up stumbling backwards and tripping so hard over a tree root that she landed with a yell on her behind. Seifer and Raijin immediately beelined for her location (Fujin did not yell unless something was wrong) and found her grappling a filthy figure only barely recognizable as Quistis.

“You said dibs on Quistis,” quipped Raijin as Seifer eyed Quistis’s mud-covered state with distaste. But then again, nobody wore a white coat unless they were some kind of fastidious and with a grumble, Seifer took off his prized coat and set it over a low-hanging branch to be retrieved later. Then he and Raijin jumped for the girls, Raijin yanking Fujin free and slapping away Quistis’s makeshift dagger while Seifer threw his arms around Quistis’s torso and neck to immediately restrain her.

“And of course you’re wearing all your clothes,” Seifer groused as Quistis thrashed in his arms, eerily silent and her eyes blazing with determination. “You’re so uncute, you can’t even make mud wrestling se—OW!”

“This is not your day, man,” Raijin observed as Seifer staggered, nearly going to his knees over Quistis’s brutal heel kick to his shin. Meanwhile Fujin had removed a coil of rope from the back of her jacket (always a useful thing when chasing down miscreants) and approached slowly, loosening the coils over her fingers. Quistis saw her coming and immediately went limp, making Seifer yell as she literally slipped out of his arms; the mud was apparently useful for more than one thing. Fujin lunged, but Quistis was already sprinting back into the deep undergrowth of the Training Center, vanishing in the blink of an eye.

“Gonna serve her right if a Rexaur eats her,” Seifer raged to nobody in particular. “Hell, even some Grats. Fucking ow.”

“You couldn’t live with yourself,” said Raijin, which was true but also made Seifer growl at him since he just couldn’t take a joke.

“And she owes me laundry,” said Seifer, eyeing his now muddy shirt and pants in disgust.

“NAKED?” Fujin said with a straight face.

“Hell no! I ain’t getting poison ivy on my dick. Or anywhere else.”

“Do we even have poison ivy in the Training Center?” Raijin mused. But no one answered, as they were resuming the hunt.

The problem with tracking Quistis was that she was one of the most experienced and highly trained operatives the Garden had to offer. Even before graduating at 15, Quistis had always been at the top of her class, a natural-born hunter and killer who had particularly high marks when it came to stealth exercises. As the posse crept cautiously through the woods, they remained aware that every snap of a twig, every falling leaf, every unusual crunch in the distance could be their elusive and dangerous quarry. Quistis was clearly of a more proactive paranoia mind than Squall was and even with a stick, she could definitely be lethal.

After a tense twenty minutes of nothing, they circled back to the main group and found everyone spread out in a circle, wary and on edge. Fortunately no one shot at the posse as they emerged from the woods, but that was only because Zell happened to be looking at them and couldn’t fire any projectiles in a panic.

“Jeez! Say something!”

“And alert our prey?” Seifer looked around the group and immediately noticed someone was missing. “Where’s Squall?”

Rinoa sighed, aggravated and worried, as she tried to get Angelo to sniff Squall’s jacket again. While the sheepdog leaned back as far as humanly possible with a slightly pained expression on her face, Rinoa patted her absently and said, “I had him down on the ground and he seemed fine—“

“He asked if she was an angel,” said Selphie to Fujin, who smirked.

“But then Quistis came sprinting through and he got all freaked out again and ran away!” Rinoa sighed again, her eyes glimmering with tears. “And now he could be anywhere.”

More crunching in the leaves made everyone turn sharply, but instead of monsters or their erstwhile quarry, it was Xu and Nida. Both of them were armed, but not with their usual weapons; they had a bow and crossbow respectively.

“It’s been an hour,” said Xu, looking disapprovingly over the group. “And you haven’t found them yet?”

“Found ‘em and lost ‘em again,” said Irvine, eyeing her weapon. “Y’all know guns have been invented, right?”

“Guns don’t have the finesse required for this capture operation,” said Xu, and as Irvine sputtered, she said to Seifer, “What have you tried?”

“Tracking.”

“Traps?”

“With what? A Triple Triad deck and a Weapons Monthly under a box?”

Xu rolled her eyes. “You dummy. Watch this.”

Hooking her bow onto her back, Xu scaled the tree that Squall had climbed up not too long ago, tackling the branches and the height so adroitly that it was hard to remember she was just a little taller than Selphie. Nida sighed loudly in admiration, but for more than one reason his ardor went unnoticed. Meanwhile green lights began shining around Xu, which made everyone’s brows raise and wonder why on earth Xu would be summoning a GF, because as far as anyone knew, there were no GF’s that either gave eagle vision or a massive boost to tracking abilities. When the spectral form of Orthos appeared behind her and faded away, the answer became even more elusive until Xu cupped her hands around her mouth and started yelling far, far louder than any human ever should have been able to.

“QUISTIS TREPE ISN’T A REAL BLONDE!”

Seifer immediately hooted with laughter while everyone else either frowned in confusion, gasped, or joined him in understanding. Quistis’s one vanity was her long, immaculately maintained hair, and people who didn’t like her immediately seized on that weakness to make rumors about it. It never failed to annoy, even now: there was a crashing noise in the undergrowth and Quistis popped out approximately behind Raijin, eyes for nothing and no one but the yelling figure in the tree. And her eyes were glowing with laser lights.

“Nope!” Raijin threw himself at Quistis to tackle her down, wrapping his arms around her like a vise. Unfortunately she was still muddy enough that with an eel-like wriggle she freed herself and immediately began running for the tree again. Fortunately Zell was much quicker and as Quistis ran by him, he kicked her feet out from under her with a base slide and then pinned her into an expert hold as Fujin ran up with the rope. But Nida was there first, unscrewing the tip off one of his crossbow bolts. Instead of the usual armor-piercing arrowhead, there was a pouch of powder that he immediately began dusting in her face, which first made Quistis sneeze and then yawn.

“Sleeping powder?” Rinoa asked, coming over.

“Nah, it’s the antidote. Sort of. But she’s been running on all cylinders, so now it’s all catching up to her. Dr. Kadowaki said she’ll probably sleep for a whole day or two.”

“Hey Xu!” Seifer shouted, making the woman in the tree look down at him. “Get Squall next!”

“WHAT’S GOING TO PISS HIM OFF THE MOST?”

Seifer grinned broadly and then opened his mouth, but then seemed to think better of it. Ever addicted to dramatic flair, he ran to the tree and began climbing it too, looking like a cat clawing its way out of the water rather than a monkey masterfully navigating the height. Nevertheless he reached Xu’s branch in short order and, hanging on with a branch tucked under his arms, said something to her that immediately made her laugh hard enough to be heard from the ground. Then she cupped her hands around her mouth as Seifer put his arm over his head, covering his hears.

“SQUALL LEONHART WEARS GIRLS’ JACKETS!”

“It’s called a bolero!” Rinoa screeched on her boyfriend’s outraged behalf, but already the giggling had started.

“AND HE THINKS LUBE IS HAIR GEL!”

“Oh no,” gasped Selphie to Rinoa, who turned bright red.

“That was an accident and it was only one time—”

“Well I’d hope so!! How did he even—”

“It was a clear gel in a squeeze bottle in the bathroom cabinet and—“

“And how does Seifer know about it?”

“Because _someone_ doesn’t keep secrets over drinks!” Rinoa broke off as Xu suddenly drew her bow, aimed, and fired two quick shots that arced and disappeared into the training center’s brightly lit ceiling. Seifer shaded his eyes, following their progress. They both waited, united in a silent focus, before climbing down.

“Oh, I guess they got him,” said Zell, giving Irvine a significant look. “Guess the oldies can be goodies after all.”

“Whatever, man. At least mine doesn’t run out of ammo that fast.”

“But they can stab people with theirs.”

“Did you get him?” Nida called to Xu and Seifer as they came toward the group.

“Nailed him right on top of the head,” said Xu smugly.

“Where is he?” Rinoa called, her brow furrowed with worry.

“The upper center.”

“He does like his heights when he’s stoned, don’t he?” Irvine chuckled, setting his shotgun on his shoulder. “Well, let’s go get our peerless Commander.”

“What are we gonna do with Quistis?” Selphie asked, pointing at their friend. Everyone looked and saw the blonde woman was out cold, actually asleep facedown in the grass and completely limp. “We can’t leave her here.”

“I’ll take her back,” said Seifer, and when Selphie looked at him with a smirk and a raised brow, he gestured at his muddy clothes. “What? I’m filthy. So’s she. I’ll toss her in the showers when I’m taking mine and then throw her in her room.”

“We’ll make sure he doesn’t actually throw her all over the place,” said Raijin to Zell, who was starting to look annoyed.

“CLEAN,” said Fujin, eyeing her own muddy clothes with distaste. She was spattered rather than slathered, but it was still enough to ruin her otherwise immaculate appearance.

“Fine,” said Zell as he got off Quistis, slowly to make sure she wasn’t faking sleep in order to run away again. When she didn’t move after five seconds, Seifer picked her up and immediately slung her over his shoulders, apparently very determined not to give any impression of care or tenderness. Zell scowled at him but said, “I guess the rest of us can go after Squall, then.”

“Let me know how it goes,” said Seifer, smirking. “If he’s on the upper level, my guess is that something’s trying to eat him right now. Those monsters don’t get a lot of food.”

Rinoa immediately began running, followed closely by Selphie and Irvine. The Balamb Garden alumni just glared at Seifer, who laughed.

“What? You know it’s just Grats up there. Unless you take six hours to get to Squall, he’ll be fine. He won’t have his clothes anymore, but he’ll be fine.”

“And you wonder why Rinoa broke up with you,” Xu said with a shake of her head, which immediately made Seifer glare at her. “Hey, clearly she upgraded, but in case it’s ever been a mystery—“

“Ain’t there a cactus you should be fucking somewhere?”

“Is that your way of hitting on me? My answer is no, by the way.”

“You little—“

“Man, I think that mud is going to stain,” said Raijin loudly, earning himself a flat look from Seifer. But Seifer took the out and left, muttering darkly to himself with Fujin giving him cursory, almost robotic pats of sympathy on the arm. Zell sighed admiringly as he looked at Xu.

“One day, Zell, you too will be able to shut him up with a word,” she said comfortingly. Hefting her bow, she said, “Now let’s catch up to the others.”

The upper level of the training center was an elevated, artificial cliff that housed slightly tougher monsters that were more difficult to access unless one was a junctioned SeeD who could scale the sheer walls or the narrow, twisting paths that even a chocobo would have problems with. Rinoa held onto and flew up anyone who was willing to take a chance on her wings, and in the time it took her to ferry her close friends, Xu and Nida had already bounded up the sides with the aid of their GF’s: Rinoa pretended not to notice, just like Xu and Nida pretended not to notice her sorcerous wings. There was no telling what the sentiment around the Garden at large would be if it were known that the Commander was dating a sorceress considering the Garden’s mission, but then again the Garden’s mission had been given by Cid Kramer, now dishonorably retired to whereabouts unknown after it had been proven he’d knowingly incorporated memory-eating GF’s into the SeeD curriculum. That was not to say most SeeDs still didn’t use GF’s, but few people went about as heavily functioned as they had in the old days and the ones who did were almost certainly Cid sympathizers, which meant anti-sorceress. But since Xu and Nida had never said as much and Rinoa had never really admitted to being a sorceress, a paper-thin and uneasy peace remained in place.

“Okay girl, go get him!” Urged Rinoa, giving Angelo a little pat of encouragement on the behind. The sheepdog scented the air for exactly two seconds before burying her nose in the ground and snuffling busily, moving forward at a steady pace. Xu and Nida exchanged skeptical glances and began observing the territory instead, but in the end it didn’t matter; their tracking skills and Angelo’s nose found Squall at the same time, sleeping on his back with his mouth wide open, not snoring but close. Several hungry Grats that had been patting him experimentally with their long tentacles immediately fled when Irvine fired several warning shots, though Squall did not move a muscle at the noise.

“Damn, he is out,” said Irvine, shaking his head.

“It was his first mission after almost a year of desk duty! Of course he’s tired,” said Rinoa, immediately going to her sleeping boyfriend.

“He was in mission shape before he got sent out,” said Xu with a bit of a grimace. “He shouldn’t be so exhausted from getting drugged, running nearly naked through the training center, and getting whacked twice in the head by puffball arrows.”

“I can’t tell if you’re joking with all that,” said Zell, shaking his head.

“Awww, I didn’t get to use the netzooka at all,” pouted Selphie, sadly lowering her weapon.

“You got to hit Seifer in the junk,” Irvine reminded her, which made Xu and Nida laugh.

“But I wanted to bag me a Quisty and a Squall! That’s the entire reason I brought this thing out! For testing!”

“Why do you even have something like that in the first place?” Nida asked, looking the makeshift weapon up and down. “Was it just in your room?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Oh I thought it would be fun for the Festival next month. It’s romance-themed!”

“…What…?”

“You know!” Said Selphie, as though her reasoning were as obvious as a yellow chocobo in a winter forest. “ ‘A man chases a woman until she catches him!’ So I thought we’d let the girls ‘catch’ the boys first!”

Zell and Irvine immediately reared back in alarm, the memory of Seifer’s injury clearly flashing across their minds.

“I think it could be a neat fundraiser,” said Selphie obliviously.

“Uh, a little help, please?” Asked Rinoa, who was trying to pick Squall up off the ground. While Rinoa was not weak and Squall was lean, he was still extremely dense with muscle and combined with total unconsciousness, flopped everywhere like a dead octopus whenever she tried to move him. When one particularly unsuccessful attempt had Squall falling facedown into the grass with a loud THUD, Nida at last took pity on her and came over after handing Xu his crossbow. With expert ease he slung Squall across his shoulders like he was draping an exceptionally floppy cat, hooking his arm around Squall’s leg and clasping the unconscious brunet’s wrist to keep him from sliding off. It was the same fireman-style carry that Seifer had used with Quistis, though Nida’s looked professional rather than grudging.

“Infirmary?” He asked Xu, who came over and peeled back one of Squall’s eyeballs.

“I don’t think so. Dr. Kadowaki said he’ll just sleep it off, so we’ll stick him in his room and call it a day.”

“Shouldn’t we put his clothes on first?” Rinoa asked pointedly.

“What clothes? You only have his jacket,” said Zell, shaking his head. “The posse’s got his pants and shirt, remember?”

“Well we can’t let people see him like this! He’ll be so embarrassed when he wakes up.”

“Irvine, take off your coat,” said Selphie, but Irvine shook his head.

“No way. This is a look.”

“Here,” said Zell, taking off his short jacket. “We can at least put thus over his butt. Squall definitely won’t want anyone to see him wearing chocobo boxers.”

Xu grinned magnificently. Getting Squall’s name in the New Year Secret Gift Exchange had been the highlight of the entire event, and had more than made up for the perplexity of receiving used candles that smelled of campfire smoke and bacon.

Squall and Quistis had escaped from the infirmary in the afternoon, right when cadet classes were being let out, and there was a certain buzz in the hallways when Nida emerged with the unconscious Commander over his shoulders. Selphie led the way, waving away curious onlookers with swings of her netzooka and pompously saying, “Nothing to see here, folks! Move along!” with enough of a twinkle in her eye that people good-naturedly did what she ‘asked’. Drips of mud on the floor indicated that the DC had carried Quistis off to the dorm showers, which the Squall-related group bypassed because Squall was still mostly clean despite his near-naked run through the training center. After making sure he was settled (Rinoa swore to stay with him until he woke up), the group then dispersed to go about the rest of their day, Zell in particular wanting clean clothes and Xu and Nida needing to un-modify their weapons and return the excess antidote powder to Dr. Kadowaki. Selphie, however, looked sadly at her netzooka and sighed loudly.

“Would you feel better if you shot me?” Irvine asked solicitously as they went down the hall to their rooms.

“No,” sighed Selphie. “Because I know you’d be letting me. But thanks Irvy, you’re really sweet.”

“I just like seeing you happy, darlin’.”

“I know. It’ll be okay, I’ll just—“ Selphie broke off, her entire body going alert like a pointer dog’s. Irvine immediately tracked her line of sight and boggled when he saw Quistis on her feet, flat against the wall, creeping like she was on a ledge only inches wide. Her hair was still damp from the shower and she was wearing just an oversized tee shirt looked weirdly familiar, though neither Selphie nor Irvine could ever remember Quistis wearing that particular shade of blue before. But the most extraordinary thing about her was the look on her face, which was focused and nearly panicked.

“I thought she was supposed to stay asleep,” Irvine whispered to Selphie.

“She must’ve got a burst of energy after her shower. Where’s Seifer? I thought he was supposed to be watching her.”

“He takes the longest showers known to mankind,” said Irvine with a roll of his eyes. “He’s probably still in there.”

They watched the utter weirdness of Quistis inching down the hallway for a few more moments before deciding to intervene. At the moment nobody was around to see Quistis Trepe basically half-naked (especially since she didn’t seem to be wearing a bra and the shirt was just barely keeping her decent below), but that could change at any time.

“Quisty?” Irvine called, making her flinch. “You okay there?”

“It’s falling.”

“What’s falling?”

“The middle,” she breathed intensely, staring at the contrasting section of stone in the center of the hall.

“Uh nope, that floor’s pretty dang solid,” said Irvine, but Selphie immediately whooped and shouted over him.

“It’s okay, Quisty! I’ve got a rope!”

Relief immediately flooded Quistis’s face. “Oh thank goodness, I can’t get to my room. That’s where my pants are.”

“And we are going to get you some pants,” said Selphie comfortingly, while Irvine tried not to snicker. “Hold on now, I’m gonna shoot!”

“Shoot? Can’t you just—“ Irvine’s words were lost after the POONT of the netzooka firing, the large circular net hitting the floor and spreading out like a spiderweb. It slid for about ten feet before stopping in front of Quistis, who sagged visibly in relief.

“You got it, Quisty?” Selphie called as Quistis began picking her way across the net, stepping only on the knots with a delicate tiptoed tread.

“I think so… Wait, where are the spiders?”

“Eating something else. Don’t worry!”

“Okay. Thank you, Selphie.”

“Why are you playing along with her?” Irvine asked, frowning a bit at Selphie.

“It’s more fun that way, don’t you think?”

“Well yeah, but…” Irvine’s mouth twisted. “I guess there’s no harm.”

“Exactly! Especially to Quisty. She feels safe and normal and—what is she doing now?”

“I… I think she’s trying to push through the door with her head,” said Irvine, almost giggling at the sight of Quistis leaning facefirst against her door like a cat pressing its face into a couch.

“She should really be lying down,” said Selphie with a sigh.

Just then the door on the opposite side of the hall opened and Seifer came out, looking as annoyed as ever though redder in face for some reason. His hair was slightly darker and obviously still damp, but standing up irregularly like he’d been resting on his side or something, and there were sheet creases on his face and chest, which was bare.

“What the fuck,” he grumbled loudly, seeing Quistis across the hall. Kicking Selphie’s net out of the way, he went straight to Quistis and said, “What are you doing?”

“Pants.”

“You crazy…” He rummaged in the pockets of the gray drawstring pants he was wearing, finally producing a keycard and swiping it through Quistis’s lock. The door immediately opened and she fell forward at once, falling so fast that Selphie and Irvine nearly yelled in alarm. Fortunately Seifer was quicker than his sleepy-eyed state indicated and he caught her one-armed around the waist, where she folded over like a towel. Muttering in annoyance, he carried her into her room like that.

“Y’ever notice how touchy he is with her?” Irvine said to Selphie, which made her look at him weirdly.

“Who, Seifer?”

“Yeah, he’s always poking her arm or messing up her hair or getting in her space.”

“He does that with everybody.”

“Not you. Or me. Or Zell. Not even Squall, except for the lube incident.” Irvine mimicked pulling something straight up, saying, “He just finger-combed it and it stood up like this, Squall needed to wash his hair like three more times to get all of it out—”

“I can’t believe I missed the lube incident!” Bemoaned Selphie, pouting hard. “Where _was_ I?”

“I think you were blowing up some train tracks. You came back yelling.”

“Oh. That was a fun mission, though. We had to make our own nitro!”

“Ah, you must’ve loved that.”

“Yeah, but it made me really thirsty for orange juice. Oooh, I wonder if there’s any in the cafeteria!”

“Well let’s go look!”

“Okay! And then you gotta tell me the rest of the lube incident.”

“Hah! It’ll be my pleasure,” said Irvine, and they went down the hall to scoop up the net and drop it off in Selphie’s room, chatting the whole way. Consequently, neither of them noticed that Seifer did not come out of Quistis’s room for several hours, nor that when he emerged, he had reclaimed his blue shirt.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still not sure this is as silly as I'd like, but I have a hard time writing funny on purpose. But if it makes at least one person laugh, that's pretty good!
> 
> I also didn't bother coming up with scientific-sounding names for the fake drugs. It's more important to know what they do rather than what people call 'em anyway, and I figured a sleep aid plus a muscle relaxer could be really funny in fantasy fiction.


End file.
